Marriage Counseling

Marriage counseling or divorce? That is the question being asked thousands of times every day across America. With so many marriages ending in divorce, the question can be asked: How many of those marriages might have been saved? Now a new book, combining the insights of five experts in a single volume, offers a multifaceted resource for helping avert the emotional trauma of breaking up a once happy marriage.

Entitled The Marriage Medics, the manual, published online at www.marriagemedics.com and co-authored by clinical psychotherapist Cynthia Cooper, Ph.D., spells out key reasons why so many marriages crumble, and cites ways in which couples might save their marriage.

The quintet of experts are: Dr. Cooper, who counsels couples and families; Dan Smith, a financial executive who helps couples resolve money problems; Dr. Patti Britton, a nationally recognized clinical sexologist; John Hunt, a noted attorney specializing in family law; and Cmdr. Bobbitti May, a U.S. Navy chaplain who advises military personnel on marital issues.

The book pinpoints several root causes of trouble in a marriage, and lists approaches for healing them. The reasons include:

Unrealistic Expectations & Festering Resentments

The former, according to Dr. Cooper, can involve differences over gender roles, i.e., who does what regarding tasking activities and decision-making. “Couples may reduce conflicts,” she writes, “by taking an equal-opportunity approach, by determining who is most qualified to do each task.” Unspoken resentments can grow out of, among other things, what Cooper terms “The Three A’s”–addiction (be it to drugs, alcohol, or TV), affairs, and abuse. Cooper points out that such dysfunctions can be alleviated by various means including: identifying the problem, learning how to handle emotions, and clinical therapy.

Money

The book cites data that 43 percent of all married couples argue over money, making it the No. 1 reason husbands and wives fight. The alternative, says veteran banker Daniel Smith, is for couples to realize that managing finances in a household is like running a business. Spouses should stop living beyond their means, forget about “keeping up with the Joneses,” agree on a financial plan, go on a credit-card “diet”–and celebrate when they pay off a debt.

Sexual Issues

This sensitive subject, Dr. Patti Britton notes, often involves difficulties concerning frequency and quality of intimacy. She enumerates “five basic areas that need to be addressed, unblocked, and then aligned for a couple to enjoy a healthy, passionate sex life.” They are: 1) Mind, 2) Emotions, 3) Body (including body image issues), 4) Energy and 5) Spirit.

Two other topics addressed in the book are: the legal web of divorce, and the importance of spiritual healing. Attorney Hunt points out that many couples do not anticipate the legal maze the parting process can represent, plus the potentially devastating financial costs. Navy Chaplain Bobbitti May, taking an ecumenical approach, suggests that, “Spirituality takes us beyond . . . fixed views of how we relate to God [and] others. . . . it is the practice of how we do relationships–both horizontally with another human being and vertically with our Higher Power.”

The Marriage Medics comes highly recommended by reviewer Jennie S. Bev, managing editor of BookReviewClub.com who says the book “teaches couples what to expect realistically from their partners –and themselves– and how to act, also realistically when it comes to sustaining their marriages. It’s like having a knowledgeable friend who knows the ins and outs of the married life.”

Tami Brady of the Blether Book Review says “Though The Marriage Medic is meant mainly for those couples with marital difficulties, much of the information included in this book will be helpful to any couple. This is particularly true of the sections on communications, vision of the relationship, underlying resentments, and gender roles. These issues and hints relate directly to nearly any relationship and therefore will be of value to almost any reader.

The Marriage Medics can be purchased online at: www.themarriagemedics.com

Martha Winfrey, freelance writer is intersted in relationships, travel, career, organizing, money saving, home decorating, fitness and celebrity topics. Martha can be reached at: marthawinfrey@themarriagemedics.com

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In Part One, we looked at what wives really want in a husband and we identified two things in particular. Wives want a soulmate who they feel deeply connected to and they want emotional support and emotional intimacy. This means that they want a husband who will talk about his feelings and who values having an emotional connection.

So what’s a husband who has neglected this important area of marriage to do? The first thing is to understand the necessity of emotional intimacy in a happy marriage. The second thing is to take action. The following steps are often presented in marriage counseling sessions and will help in making a beginning:

1. Set a time with your spouse when you can talk and process the day’s events. Some days, you might only need ten or fifteen minutes to keep your emotional connection strong. On other days, you may have more to share and reflect on.

During this time with your spouse, make a real effort to share your feelings. When your wife talks, concentrate and listen to her. Listen to the feelings that are beneath the words she is saying. If you’re not sure of something, check it out by asking a question.

So that you can give your spouse your full attention, turn off the TV, radio, and CD player during your time together. Take the phone off the hook and try to have uninterrupted time, if possible. Communicate by your words and your actions that you value this special time with your wife, and protect it from intrusions.

2. Push yourself past your comfort zone in making an effort to really share your feelings, problems, and concerns. I have known husbands who didn’t share important happenings in their life because they didn’t want to worry their wives. They didn’t realize how left out and unnecessary their wife was going to feel when she found out later.

A common reaction is for a wife to feel that her husband doesn’t really “need” her if he doesn’t confide in her. Wives can feel very hurt and rejected when a husband doesn’t share his feelings, challenges, hurts, and unresolved problems.

And if you bury your feelings of anger or resentment toward your wife about something that has happened, just because you feel uncomfortable having to express these feelings, you are setting the stage for bigger problems later on. If you’re upset, state what you’re feeling and why. Talk about the situation, look for a solution that’s a win-win one for your marriage, and then let it go.

3. Watch your natural tendency to want to offer solutions prematurely when your wife brings up a decision she is wrestling with. Most men like to solve problems, and they also like to be helpful to their wives. So a husband’s first reaction to hearing about a problem his wife is having is to want to offer a solution immediately.

This often irritates the wife, much to the surprise of the husband. His agenda is to solve the problem quickly and get it over with. Her agenda is to discuss the situation and process it with her husband. She doesn’t necessarily want him to tell her what to doshe wants his listening ear. When a husband really understands this gender-based difference, he realizes that he doesn’t have to feel pressure to solve his wife’s problems. He just needs to listen and be supportive as she talks about them.

4. If you’re experiencing continuing difficulty with expressing your feelings or handling negative emotions, consider working with a counselor to improve your skills. You might participate in some individual sessions as well as some joint marriage counseling sessions with your wife.

You might also experiment with writing your feelings in a notebook, working on capturing just the emotion you’re feeling when situations occur. You could write a letter to your spouse stating your feelings if you’re having difficulty expressing them verbally. Writing allows you to take your time and to be sure you’re communicating exactly what you want to say in the best possible way.

5. Remember that most change occurs when you make a number of small steps in a new direction. You won’t change overnight, but if you consistently keep trying to improve, your actions can have a significant impact on the quality of your marriage. And most wives don’t expect their husband to change radically in a short time; they just want to see that he’s at least making an effort to meet more of their emotional needs.

I have seen small actions on the part of a husband save a marriage. Wives want to know that their husbands care about them, that they value them, and that they want to be emotionally supportive. And they want to see the actions that accompany this: a real concern for their feelings, a desire to share intimate details of their life, and the motivation to connect daily on an emotional level.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of the book Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

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Most of us have a certain idea about marriage counseling - we usually think of it as a modern idea, having grown out of the increase in divorces. Going to marriage counseling seems to indicate that the marriage is in trouble, and the counseling is a sort of last-ditch effort to safe it. It’s unfortunate that we have this association. In the olden days, marriage counseling wasn’t called marriage counseling - but it was widely practiced, usually before the marriage took place. Most religions, for example, have a sort of pre-marital counseling that is designed to help the couple develop clear, honest communication and to be clear about their intentions with regard to the marriage. In modern marriage counseling, we do some of the same things - but usually after the marriage has begun to deteriorate.

The best time to start marriage counseling is early on - preferably before you get married, or early in the marriage, especially if you have some indication that you and your partner need to improve communication. Unfortunately, we have a negative association with the idea of marriage counseling. Many people are afraid that if they bring the subject up, it will be interpreted in the wrong way. This is a mistake. Recognising the need to improve a marriage, or to work on better communication, should not be taken to mean that the marriage is headed for disaster. The simple fact is that marriage counselling is more effective when it’s not used as a last-ditch effort.

In fact, the one time that marriage counseling will not help is when one of the partners has already mentally or psychologically detatched himself from the partnership. At this point, individual counseling may be what is needed. In order for marriage counseling to be successful, both partners need to really be committed to working at it. They need to be there to enhance and improve the marriage, not looking for a reason to leave it.

If you are at that point in your marriage, check the psychological association directory in your area for names our counselors. Another option is to ask around - ask friends, or your family doctor. Marriage counseling is not an easy fix, but it can be a new beginning - and it’s definitely worth your while. If you have trouble affording counseling, some communities have free or low-cost counseling programs.

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