Marriage Counseling

Marriage counseling is an investment of money, time, and energy that can give you and your spouse valuable lifelong benefits.

If the two of you are going to make a serious commitment to staying in counseling until you’ve worked through the problem areas, you may be looking at going once a week for three to six months or longer. So it only makes good sense to want to get the most value from your marriage counseling experience.

The following suggestions can help you to get the most from your marriage counseling investment:

1. To locate a counselor with a good professional reputation and track record, start by asking your family physician for a recommendation. Also ask any friends or family members who have gone for marriage counseling or who might be in a position to know. You could also ask your minister, priest, or rabbi.

If you can’t come up with any recommendations that way, then look in the yellow pages under counselors, psychologists, social workers, and marriage and family therapists. Read the various ads and see which ones appeal to you. You can also look online to see who in your geographic area is advertising and what information is available.

2. Before you make an appointment, ask about any areas of concern that you feel are “must know” ones. If religious orientation is important to you, ask your questions up front. “Are you a Christian counselor?” is a commonly asked question, and it’s asked by people from both sides of the issuethose who want a Christian counselor and those who don’t.

Some therapists will agree to a free short five-minute telephone call with a prospective client, while others simply do not have time in their schedules to do so. Ask the receptionist when you call what the counselor’s policy is.

If you cannot speak to the counselor prior to making an appointment, leave one or two of your most important questions with the receptionist and ask her (or him) to call you back after she finds out the answer from the therapist.

3. If you have narrowed your search down to several potential therapists but can’t decide who to work with, you might want to consider making an initial consultation appointment with each one. Level with each counselor and tell her (or him) what you’re doing.

If any of the counselors are upset by this, then that is not the person you need to work with. Experienced professionals know how important a good match between therapist and client is. They should be supportive of you and your spouse’s efforts to find the best therapist for the two of you to work with.

4. Use the initial consultation appointment to ask your questions and get a sense of the therapist’s style, personality, and orientation. Ask about success stories and how long you and your spouse will most likely need to attend counseling. Ask if the therapist assigns homework or not.

You should leave the appointment with an understanding of whether or not the therapist will always see you together or if you’ll sometimes be seen separately, the therapist’s general approach to marriage counseling, what to expect from therapy, what the goals are, and the projected number of sessions it will take.

5. Pay attention to your intuition and “gut reactions” during the appointment. You want to work with a counselor you can feel comfortable with and trust. If you feel a sense of rapport and connection with the therapist you select, you’ll have a better chance of making the most progress.

Some personalities fit together better than others. A person with a sense of humor generally won’t be able to relate well to a humorless therapist. If the therapist reminds you of your fifth grade teacher who you detested, it’s best to find another counselor.

After the first session or two, if you don’t feel comfortable or on the same wave length with the therapist, don’t get discouraged. You may need to consider trying another counselor who you feel more in sync with. It’s better to go ahead and explore your options than to suffer in silence.

6. Be sure to ask any potential therapist the question, “Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?” You would be shocked at how many therapists have never faced their own individual or relationship issues in counseling.

Just think about itwould you want to go to a counselor who recommends counseling to others but has never taken his or her own advice? I can unequivocally say that you should steer clear of counselors who haven’t done their own personal work in counseling.

7. Schedule the first appointment at a time your spouse can go with you. If one spouse meets with the therapist before the other one, things don’t seem to get off to an even start. The spouse who was not able to go to the first appointment often feels that the therapist is biased because the partner got to share his or her side of things first.

The therapist is then perceived as leaning toward the spouse who went first, and the other spouse may feel discouraged or left out from the very beginning. And that can affect that individual’s morale, motivation, trust in the counselor, and willingness to continue in marriage counseling.

8. Keep the focus on learning as much as possible about yourself. Use this opportunity to grow in self-awareness and self-knowledge, to improve your relationship skills, and to work on personal issues.

This approach is less threatening to your spouse than pointing fingers, blaming her (or him), and trying to make your spouse the “bad guy.” Plus, the only person you can ultimately change is yourself.

You can’t control whether or not your spouse uses the opportunities for self-awareness and self-growth offered by the counseling experience. But you can commit to taking maximum advantage of this opportunity to work on yourself.

9. Make the time and effort to do any homework exercises and to practice and reinforce any changes in behavior that you’re working on in counseling. Change doesn’t happen just by talking about it. Change requires taking action and doing things in a new and different way.

People learn by doing, making mistakes, correcting the errors, and then trying again. Practicing new behavior in your marriage could be compared to being in a relationship laboratory where you practice relationship skills. It takes time to unseat old habits and for the new behaviors to become established and second nature.

10. Make a list before each session of questions or issues that have come up for you since the last session.. It’s a good idea to write down questions and thoughts in a notebook as they come to you between counseling sessions.

Then, before each appointment, you can review your notes and organize a list of questions or concerns to take with you and discuss with the counselor. This will help you to stay organized and not to overlook some issue that is important to you.

By following these tips, you’ll be more likely to have a positive marriage counseling experience that can lead to increased personal growth and improved relationship skills. And that’s a win-win situation for both you and your spouse.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

Tags: marriage advice, marriage counseling, marriage guidance, marriage help, marriage tipsmarriage advice, marriage counseling, marriage guidance, marriage help, marriage tips

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Most couples don’t seek out counseling when they hit a few “bumps” in the road. They often get help once their spouse tells them, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. Maybe this is the case in your marriage and now you’re afraid your marriage is heading for divorce. Your first instinct might be to reach for the yellow pages, or search on the internet for marriage counselors in your area.

I’ve got to tell you…I get questions everyday from individuals who managed to convince their spouse to see a counselor. They think they’re doing the right thing for their marriage, but instead of their spouse coming back to them with open arms, they end up swearing to never go back there after just one or two sessions, claiming that it “didn’t work”.

Of all the complaints I’ve heard about marriage counseling, these are the top three objections I hear most often:

1) The first few sessions are a waste of time and money.

Couples tell me it took weeks for their counselor to get an idea of what was at the core of their struggles as a couple. They went into marriage counseling hoping for a sense of IMMEDIATE relief, not a series of long, drawn out sessions that seemed to be focused on placing blame and establishing who was at fault in the relationship.

2) The counselor’s requests are unreasonable and too difficult.

Recently, I spoke with a woman who did not want to see a counselor, but reluctantly agreed to participate in the first few sessions with her husband. She quit after a few sessions because she believed the marriage counselor was asking her to do things she considered as “unreasonable”.

For instance, one task she was instructed to do every day was smile at her husband at least once a day. It seemed very strange to her that a professional would ignore her massive resentment towards her husband, and ask her to artificially smile anyway. She confirmed to me that she did not WANT to smile at her husband! And even if she COULD bring herself to do something like this, she was convinced that it was in no way a step forward in helping them save their marriage. She simply felt it was too little too late.

3) The sessions are dragged out and opened-ended.

So many couples lamented to me that marriage counseling was frustrating at best and intensified their anger at worst. Because of its open-ended lack of a destination or plan, couples go to see a professional and want to see immediate results, but marriage counselors are not structured for immediate results or even immediate relief. Their focus is on the process and the value of multiple visits which may or may not result in any improvement.

So what does this mean for you?

If you have not experienced marriage counseling, it means you should begin to explore more options than the conventional office visit route. Do your research and get all the facts on marriage counseling before you devote your time and energy into something with such a history of poor results.

The following web page will provide you with a list of criteria to consider before you decide on marriage counseling. http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com/marriage-counselors.html Whether you choose traditional counseling or an alternative to marriage counseling, my advice is this: don’t give up on your marriage just yet.

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So you have come to the decision that in order to save your marriage or at the very least improve it, you need to get some professional help in the form of counseling.

This is obviously not a step to be taken lightly and in many cases one partner desires the counseling more than the other. It is important that the partner who is least keen on undertaking a marriage counseling program is at least prepared to be open to attending the sessions, listening and ultimately to open up and share. Counseling of any description can be a confronting, uncomfortable and in some cases a hurtful experience. The counselor will often touch on or bring up things that in many ways you would rather stayed buried.

It is important that the marriage counseling that you receive is from someone you feel comfortable with and trust. As far as you are able, check the credentials of the person who will be counseling you. It is also important to be clear in your mind as to what you wish to achieve out of the counseling. Ask yourself, why do I want counseling? What do I hope to achieve? What am I willing to put into the sessions?

Some people who undergo marriage counseling, even some of those who instigate the counseling are not actually willing to change themselves. They are in blame mode, they want their partner or environment or circumstances to change and cannot see that in order for the relationship to work, they need to change also. Change can create anxiety as it will often involve moving outside one’s comfort zone. A good counselor will recognize this type of person and guide them through the process of making the necessary changes.

We live in a world where many of us demand instant gratification. Many people are unwilling to go through a process which will take time and need to be persuaded that the time and money expended and in some cases the pain experienced will be worth it in the long run. It important to realize that your problems probably didn’t happen all at once and as such it is going to take time and commitment to resolve them.

The final factor to successful marriage counseling is having the faith that whatever issues you are experiencing can be overcome if you truly want them to be. What is the point of exposing yourself if you do not believe that things can improve? This is not to say that counseling will necessarily keep the marriage together. In some cases marriage counseling can be a useful tool in helping a couple to see that there is little point in staying together. Perhaps there is just too much baggage or perhaps the realization comes that you are completely incompatible.

Whatever the situation, it is important to be involved in the counseling process, show commitment and willingness to make changes that may be necessary to an ongoing and fulfilling relationship, be patient and have faith in yourself.

Sue Taylor has first hand experience of marriage counseling and is now happily married after 20 years. To see more resources regarding marriage counseling go to http://www.marriagecounselingnews.net.

Tags: counseling, marriage, marriage counselingcounseling, marriage, marriage counseling

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